I'm a Guy
by Dave Leon

My name’s Dave and I’m a guy. And as such, I have certain qualities.

-I watch sports and enjoy them.
-I know my way around my entertainment center and can hook up a
surround sound system in five minutes flat.
-I love to barbecue.
-Going out with the guys is a required part of my weekly routine.
(incidentally, when the guys get together, we talk about sports and
our surround sound systems)
-I like my music loud; so loud that people in Maine can cock an ear out
their window and hear what I'm listening to.
-I love the female body and everything about it. (I may not like some
of the Aunt Flo business, but you have to take the good with the bad)
-I am susceptible to feminine wiles, because in all honesty, I don't
always think with the head on my shoulders.

However, being a guy, there are certain things that guys have to deal
with.

"Am I fat?"
"Do you love me?"
"Am I fat?"
"Does this dress look small on me?"
"Am I fat?"
"What are you staring at?"
"Did you hear me?"
"Is she prettier than me?"

Ladies, please don't ask us a question if you don't want an honest
answer. And if you decide to ask us anyway, don't get mad at us for
being honest. You asked, we answered. Deal with it.

I find it fascinating that there are women out there who think they can
change a man's behavior. Let me explain it to you. We cannot change.
We are not smart enough to change. Don't bother trying. We are the
way we are for a reason.

And here are the answers to some popular female questions.

-Yes, we love you.
-No, you don't look fat.
-Yes, she's pretty. But it's not like we're going to run after her.
(Well okay, some guys do, but they're morons)
-I'm staring at that woman the way you were staring at Bob the
Fireman the other day. I'd call it even if I were you.
-Yes, I am wearing these clothes and no, I'm not going to find
something nicer to wear. We're going to the store to buy toilet paper.
Get in the car.
-No, I don't want to see the latest Meg Ryan romantic slop.
-Yes, I know her boobs are fake. You're assuming that I care.
-Yes, I still watch cartoons.
-Yes, I know wrestling is fake. Did you know that your stupid soap
operas are also fake?
-Yes, the last two minutes of a football game DO take a half hour. Now
sit down and have some chips.
-Yes, I heard you, and I have every intention of getting back to
you...at the next commercial break.

There are, however, exceptions to the rules as always. Some of my
favorites...

-I love a woman who isn't afraid to rip into a steak like Hannibal Lecter
at a nude beach.
-I love a woman who yells at the TV because my team ran a draw play
on third and seventeen.
-I love a woman who can sit in the passenger's seat of my car and
enjoy the ride without thinking that she herself is driving.
-I love a woman who is comfortable with her body. This is a big one.
Ladies, you are who you are. There's nothing wrong with wanting to
feel better about yourself, but asking us anything even remotely
resembling "Am I fat?" is NOT the way to go. If you feel fat, it's
probably just you.
-I love a woman who will believe an answer I give her the first time,
without asking me again or accusing me of lying just to make her feel
better.

You can email Dave at DaveL@myhyena.com

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