ROD BALSAC – PRIVATE DICK
EPISODE 1 – PART 1
by Matt Harvey
_____I didn’t get to my office until
almost noon. As usual, I’d
woken up with a stiff hangover and forgotten where I left my car keys.
45 minutes of searching later I remembered; I’ve never owned a
car. This probably explained the keys.
_____No matter, I’d take the bus
to work. Of course, I was broke so I’d take my bike instead. When
I went down to the garage I found a suspicious note, written in the shaky
hand of a sociopath. The note read:
_____ _____ ___Dear Rod-
_____ _____ _____ __You hawked the bike for bus fare.
_____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____-Rod
Damn. So I walked to work and like I said, I got there about noon.
_____After
hiking up the four floors of the Galindo tower in downtown, I reached
my office.
I found the etcher working
the glass door to my office.
I was behind in the payments so he’d been coming back each week
and taking away a letter at a time. Instead of what I started out with
Rod Balsac
Private Dick
I now had
Rod Balsac
a __ Dick
_____I tapped
some ash from my cigarette onto the etcher’s hat after he had the indecency
to say “Good Afternoon” to me.
_____I went in and before I even closed the door Babs was on me.
_____“ Rod you’re late.”
_____“I
was born late sweetheart,” I cooed back. Babs had been with me
ever since we opened the agency, two weeks ago. She was a cute young
thing, gentle and too brilliant for her own good. Or at least for mine.
She was a college grad looking for a job with a little action. With the
way business had been, she’d only seen a little action.
_____“Well all the same, you’ve
got a customer,” said Babs coming toward me with a mug of “coffee”.
One skill Babs had not yet
mastered was how to make a stomachable cup
of joe. She slapped
the
mug into my hand.
_____“There’s a dame in your
office right now Balsac.”
_____A customer. I knew the day would finally
come. I checked my sweet puss in the little mirror on Babs desk, took
a slug of the weapons grade coffee,
opened the door to my office and then I saw her.
_____I’d never seen
a woman like this; tall, blond and doing a hand
stand on my desk.
_____A “Hello Mr. Balsac,” came
out from behind a curtain of long
blond locks.
_____“Call me Rod.”
_____“I hope you don’t mind
my using your desk.”
_____“As long as you don’t mind
that draft I’m sure your getting from the window.” Walking
over to the open window, I found myself staring at
gravity defied. Somehow this woman was strong enough to hold
her long dress down
(in this case up) by keeping tension with her legs. I took another slug
of Dow Chemical brand coffee and dropped the cup out the window before shutting
it.
_____She
had incredible legs, like two snow white elms, just waiting for a monkey
to take a climb. Then with a gymnast’s flip, she was on the other side
of the desk, right side up and ready to talk.
_____“My
name is Quinn Latoilet.”
_____“Is
that French?”
_____“No,
it’s
my name.”
_____“Oh,
well please sit down.”
_____“Thank
you Mr.Balsac.”
_____“Rod
please or just Balsac.”
_____“I
prefer Mr. Balsac,” as
she promptly sat on the floor.
_____“How
about a chair, Miss Latoilet?”
_____“No
thank you. I’ve
got furniture at home.”
_____Miss
Latoilet laid back and began to go through a stretching routine.
_____“You
always like this?”
_____“I
like to stay flexible.”
_____“So
do I.” I
cracked my knuckles and thought I pulled
something. As she bent her knee to her
chest, we got down to
business.
_____“I
need your help Mr.Balsac,” she said. I got up and came
around
the desk fast, hoping that the running didn’t look desperate.
_____“The stretching I can handle on my own, “ she
shot.
_____“Oh!” I
stepped back and wiped a spot of drool from my mouth. For extra effect,
I grabbed a book off my desk, as if I had intended to
read it all
along.
_____“Someone
is threatening my family.”
_____“Oh
yeah, who’s that,” I
asked flipping through the upside
down
pages of Crime and Punishment.
_____“That’s
where we need your help. My father is Pierre LaToilet.”
_____“The
candy giant?”
_____“That’s
the one,” said Miss LaToilet as she rolled onto her
stomach for a few push-ups. “As
I’m sure you know, my father is
quite
rich and he has lots of enemies.”
_____“The
candy maker has enemies?”
_____She pushed off the ground into a long back stretch.
_____“Sugar…is
serious business, Mr. Balsac.”
_____Didn’t
I know it. I sat down in my chair and leaned back as Miss LaToilet finished her
workout.
_____“To
make a long story short, I want you to find out who is
threatening
my father.”
_____I
just stared at her; thinking how lucky the tape was that got
the measurements
for that outfit.
_____“Mr.
Balsac.”
_____“Yes.”
_____“Did
you hear what I said?”
_____“Yes.”
_____“Well
then you’re probably wondering why I didn’t
take this
matter to the police.”
_____“Not
really.”
_____“Why?”
_____“Two
reasons. One, I wouldn’t
trust the cops in this town to find a hole in a donut.”
_____“And
two?”
_____“I
need the work.”
_____“And I need you, Mr. Balsac,” she
purred.
_____“I
like the way you say that.”
_____“I
thought you would.” Miss LaToilet pulled a piece of paper
from
her purse. “Here is the address to the factory. Come by tomorrow around
noon. I’d like you to meet my father.”
_____“But
we just met, Miss LaToilet.” I
cracked the smile that
launched a thousand ships and sank just as many. Miss
LaToilet
turned to leave and I stood
up.
_____“I hope you’re
a better dick than you are a comic.”
_____“That’s
a promise.”
_____“Good
day, Mr.Balsac.” Miss LaToilet left the office and I fell back
into my seat. This was one special woman. As I heard Babs coming toward my office,
thoughts swirled in my head. Miss LaToilet had a sugar daddy, but maybe she was
in the market for a sucker. I’d be the one to find out how many licks it’d
take to get to the center of this case. And what the hell did I do with my coffee
cup?
