Touchdown Target Demographic!
by Matt Harvey
_____There’s a football game on
television this weekend. But the
football is just a mindless diversion.
The real
battle comes at the
commercial breaks. This Sunday, the sweaty, beast-man
gladiators of Madison Avenue will wage the ultimate blood-sport. They
will
pillage our wallets and prey
on our dreams and fears with an
orgy of sensory overload, loaded with
reality-distorting images and
perverted desires to fuel our collective
American pride. And nothing
says “I love America” like the
rekindled fire of rampant consumerism.
The ads are the REAL Super Bowl.
_____As
a public service, if you found yourself on Sunday
overwhelmed by a beer and bean dip induced coma, we now break
down the high and low lights of the day's big commercials.
.COM.COM
_____A
few years ago it seemed like every ad during the Super Bowl
was for
some Internet company. Since the dot-com bust, things
haven’t
been the same. Have no fear; .COM.COM is here. This
cutting-edge company,
is in fact so cutting edge,
they don’t even have
something to sell yet. But like all great high tech
companies, they’re
not going to wait to develop a business plan, secure
investors, or even
have a product. This 30 second spot features hip-hop music,
Paris
Hilton, and people doing extreme sports, while listening to hand-held
digital
music players. Awesome. I can’t wait to buy whatever they decide
to sell
some day.
SCORE: 8 out of 10 illegal file-sharing downloads
U.S. ARMY
_____I
can’t imagine why, but the U.S. Army has been struggling to
meet
its recent recruitment quotas. Under the gun to deliver results,
the
Army is unveiling the newest ad in its series of “An Army of
One”
campaign. Some marketing wonks at the Pentagon felt the
ads have
been too honest, being that many recent recruits have felt
trapped and
abandoned on recent missions, and in fact, feel as if they
might
actually be… an army of one. To counter this effect, the
new ad
features a really action packed 30-second clip of an old GI
Joe cartoon.
RATING: 3 out of 10
Cobra battle cries. “COBRAAAAAA!”
FORD
_____From
the people who brought you your grandmother’s car, came
a sincere
appeal. Third generation spoiled brat and CEO Bill Ford
speaks directly
to you, imploring you to stay loyal to the company
that created the
Pinto. With stirring patriotic music over pictures of
the last 19 people
actually employed at Ford putting the finishing
touches on another
giganto-normous SUV; this guy has the balls to tell
you he cares about
America. That’s courage AND leadership.
RATING: 1 out of 10 unexplained engine fires.
McDonald's
_____The
golden arches have always been in the mix on big game
day, and they’re
always ready to swallow a new market. So in a
timely marketing tie-in,
the McDonald’s commercial featured kids
meals containing
action figures from Brokeback Mountain. Look out
for the one with the
kung-fu grip. McDonald’s had considered calling
these Gay Meals,
but have instead decided to just go with Really Happy
Meals. “Damn
addictive french fries, I wish I knew how to quit you!"
RATING: 16 out of 20 mostly Chicken McNuggets
You can email Matt at editor@myhyena.com
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