Why is it...?
by Dave Leon
"These are the kinds of things I think about when
I'm sitting at home alone
and the power goes out." - George Carlin
I like pondering the ridiculous minutiae
of life. Universal stuff that, for
some odd reason, is part of the human
condition. And
not stuff like, "Why
does Ashlee Simpson have a career?" (although,
truth be told, I ponder that
a lot as well).
No, I mean universal truths, things that
have happened to every one of us at
one time or another. Kind of like
when you lose your ring in
the sink, so
you have to get your wrench and open up the pipe to find
it, only to realize
that the pipe has been rigged with a bomb by the
world's deadliest kung-fu
ninja, so you have to go fight him on his remote
island to take away the
detonating device and in the course of the battle
you realize that he's
kidnapped your supermodel sex-kitten girlfriend
and he's dangling her over a
vat of sulfuric acid filled with deadly
toe-pinching lobsters, so you throw
on an asbestos glove and grab a lobster
and fling it at the ninja's face and
the lobster pokes the ninja's eyes
out, leaving you time to save your
sex-kitten girlfriend and hijack the
ninja's plane while avoiding his
henchmen to fly back home, narrowly
avoiding a fleet of Air Force planes who
didn't know you were an American
flying through their airspace, getting
yourself back home in time to
get to the pipe and dismantle the detonating
device, just in time to
open the pipe up and get your ring.
_You know...simple, everyday, commonplace
stuff.
_And in that spirit, I present five simple examples of what I call...
_Why is it that?
_Why is it that...
_1)...every
lane, be it traffic, in the supermarket, or a line at the bank,
_always
goes faster than the one you're in, but if you decide to
move over,
_it
automatically slows down to a crawl, making every other lane look like
_the
Indy 500?
_2)...every
person in the world who has a cough comes to the same theater
_performance
as you?
_3)...all the cool clothes come in every size but yours?
_4)...the
most wasted guy at the pub picks you to be his buddy to
_converse
with, leaving you smelling like cigarettes and Mad Dog 20/20?
_5)...despite
all the warnings and public service announcements beforehand, some
idiot
ALWAYS leaves his cell phone on at the movies, then acts like
he's offended
when
you call him a moron and tell him to shut his phone off?
_____And
now, in an unprecedented move (only because I didn't think I'd do it
otherwise),
here are the answers.
1) You are the reason they all slow down.
You are a major downer and
shouldn't be allowed in public.
2) If they didn't go to the theater, they
would all be spending their time
watching Wheel of Fortune and eating
Bonbons.
3) You're too fat. Go on a diet, Porky.
4) He saw your shirt that said "I'm
with Stupid," and
thought you were a
kindred spirit.
5) The answer to this is very simple. The
dumb troglodyte can't read and
probably didn't realize his little talky-box
would make the loud ringy-ringy
sound in public.
You can email Dave at DaveL@myhyena.com
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